Comment Response To Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man

On my old blog, I received a new comment on the review I wrote of Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. I decided to write a full post in response and share it here. Let me know what you think of my response.

Anonymous said,

BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Love the review and the comments. I can’t even count on my fingers and toes the number of clueless black women who bought into this nonsense. What kind of MAN refers to a woman’s sexuality as her cookie? What kind idiot tells her to wait 90 days as if that’s some magic formula that’s going to make a man stay with you. All that guarantees is that YOU will be without sex for 90 days. It guarantees NOTHING on the part of the man. Instead of telling women “beware of all the dogs”, “change yourself so you might be lucky to tame the dog”, why not write a book to tell all the dogs to GROW THE F*CK UP!!! It is only in the black community where the women blame and tame themselves. That’s why it will go down the toilet where it’s headed now.

First of all, thank you for your sarcastic compliment of my review. I knew you meant it to be funny, but I take it as praise instead.

Clueless black women bought into the nonsense
So we’re called clueless because we find value in what Steve wrote. Honestly, Anon, there’s not much pop culture advice for black women to reasonably follow. Clearly, from the number of out-of-wedlock births, black women need sound, practical advice on how to conduct themselves in relationships. And I’m not just blaming black women here – the semen that impregnated them didn’t just fall from the heavens like manna. So yeah, maybe we are clueless for listening to Steve.

Whats more likely is that we find value in what he’s written because it makes sense. There really isn’t much to Steve’s book that we haven’t heard from our grandmothers, mothers and aunts, but that we no longer listen to. We’ve discarded the old-fashioned advice on how to date as outdated and impractical. But how is our present way of doing things working out? I disagree with you on the premise that he’s advocating women to change in order to tame the dogs out there. He’s advocating change because the way we’ve been conducting relationships is not working. Black women know this – and thats why we’ve ‘clulessly’ embraced his book. Those of us who’ve analyzed our success rate and want to improve our chances are looking for ways of doing so, and find that Steven’s methods are conducive to our goals. Furthermore, we are not men and don’t know how men think. So for a man to step out and say ‘hey, ladies, this is how we think’ and then put forth advice that gives us a measure of protection in the dating realm, well, I just don’t see how its clueless for us to listen. I’m not a man, I admit that I can guess how men think, but the only people who I generally get advice about men from is other women. And yeah, they don’t necessarily think like men either.

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I can’t even be mad at this!!

This definitely gives me something to think about, in terms of my next relationship. I was guilty of this with my ex – I’d wear this sweat capris that he HATED with passion, sometimes wear his ‘do rag, big baggy t-shirts around the house… point taken Mr. Lou Draws!

Don’t Hesitate To Toot Your Own Horn

I have this friend I want to tell you about (and its really my friend, not one of those instances where I’m talking about myself but trying to disguise it). She’s one of my closest friends, so you know I think she’s special. She’s gorgeous, intelligent, smart (because they’re not the same thing…), FUNNY, enterprising and very encouraging. She likes to cook, she works efficiently with numbers…. I can go on and on. She has such a positive spirit and whenever I’m around her we have the best time ever.

But y’all, I don’t know if she realizes all of this. Her and I talk about how we’re both great and have it going on. But I don’t think she sees herself as the dynamic creature that she truly is. Whenever she discusses her own value and attributes, she’ll begin tooting her own horn and then stop. I can’t even fault her though, because so many of us do that. And I used to be the same way, until my old roommate, another close friend, gave my confidence a huge boost.

If you don’t toot your own horn, who will?
What my old roommate taught me was this: of course we can’t wait for others to toot our horns and sing our praises. We must do this for ourselves. What was important about her lesson was the value of positive self-talk. Not only must you tell yourself how great you are, but you must repeat this often. And I’ve learned on my own how sneaky and tricky the mind is. Saying it once or twice won’t do, repetition is needed for any validation to sink in. Our minds need constant assurance that we really are the bee’s knees. Because for some reason, when we stop saying it, we stop believing and acting as if.

Now my old roommate definitely knew her value and acted on that belief. And I saw that others saw this too and treated her the same way she treated herself. Its become such a cliche, but its definitely true that you have to treat yourself better than you want others to treat you. And part of that is hammering it into your own head that you are a creature like no other. Your positive self-talk and your confidence in yourself and your abilities will start to permeate your being; you’ll walk taller, hold your head up higher, and people will see this distinction in you and fall in line.

I’m not advocating that you take this approach to self-confidence for other people. Its important to your own growth to value yourself highly. For one thing, a strong self-confidence will help to combat some of the fear I discussed previously. Because you’ll know your own abilities and have confidence that you can handle your aspirations as they come, you’ll be less likely to hold yourself back from what it is that you really want. And in those moments of weakness its easier to remember the things you’ve been constantly telling yourself, than it is to begin speaking lovingly of yourself when you’re feeling down. And in a way, telling yourself how wonderful you are is a form of self-love. We’d tell our children that they were smart, pretty and could do anything – why not tell ourselves?

How to begin your tooting
I think we as black women hesitate to hold ourselves too highly. First of all, its against the upbringing that some of us have had. We’ve been told to ‘be seen and not heard’, that we’re no better than anyone else, and ‘God don’t like ugly’. We’ve also been taught that its wrong to be conceited and that God rewards those who are humble. But again, whats wrong with speaking positively to yourself? We’d instill these same words of confidence and love to children, just because we’re grown now doesn’t mean we don’t still need to hear it. And the best person to tell us is ourselves.

If you aren’t sure where to start, I’d start with reversing the habit of negative self-talk. If you stub your toe, don’t curse. Rub it off and say “thats ok”. If you break something by accident, don’t call yourself an idiot. Say, “thats ok, we all make mistakes. I’m not perfect.” Once you get the idea, take the initiative to say positive things to yourself. Begin the habit of paying yourself small compliments when the chance presents itself. When you wear your favorite outfit, tell yourself how beautiful you look. When you’ve had a good workout, admire your body in front of a mirror. Describe the body parts you like, and why. Try to do this out loud if you can. And if you’re a Christian sista, pull out some of those Bible verses that reinforce what I’m talking about. God says you’re “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalms 139:14). Who are you to disagree?

If you feel silly doing this, what does it matter, honestly? Its all in your head. No one knows what you’re saying but you. You could think of it as nurturing the little girl within you. You could also think of it as positive reinforcement of the woman you already are. Whatever you think of it as, I hope you begin to appreciate your awesomeness on a daily basis and toot your own horn.

Goal Check-In

Lately I’ve been having a love/hate relationship with technology. I’ve been searching for a solution to the formatting issue I’m having with WordPress. When editing Motivated Sista from Firefox, none of the paragraphs show up. It’s fine sometimes in Internet Explorer… But what if I’m not using Internet Explorer? Oy vey.

On the flipside, I’m writing this post using the WordPress iPhone app. I installed this app a while ago, but never used it. @IndieBusiness mentioned the app on Twitter, so I thought I might as well give it a shot. So there’s one example of how technology can make your life more difficult, and one where it can simplify your tasks. How do you feel about technology? Has it made your life easier or more difficult?

Anyway, I digress….

I write alot here about goals, dreams, and goal-setting. I figured it’s as good a time as any to share with you what my dreams and goals are.

Business goals
I started Black Girl Tees as a way to combine my love of t-shirts with a way to promote black women, while uplifting our self-esteem and standard of beauty. My overall goal is to generate a full-time income from my online endeavors, including this blog. Specifically, for Black Girl Tees my goal is to generate at least 30% of my online income from t-shirt sales. I was immensely inspired by Tim Ferriss’ book, The 4-Hour Workweek, and my business model is based on his recommendation of a business that you can run remotely and live anywhere in the world.

That anywhere for me is Paris. I love the city (who doesn’t?) and my vision is that I spend at least half of the year there.

Career Goals
While I’m busy blogging and promoting my t-shirts, I’m also studying to pass the bar exam. The next accomplishment I want to make is acceptance in an International Law LLM program. I have a school in mind (that I won’t mention) so please cross your fingers for me. I also want to attend conferences given by the American Bar Association’s section of International Law. Eventually I plan to pursue licensure abroad.

Personal Goals
I am very proud and happy to be 30 years old and I think this is the perfect time to improve my health. My goal is to lose 30 pounds. Whenever I share that goal with someone, frequently I’ll receive the reply, “you don’t need to lose that much” or “you look fine how you are”. These replies are flattering but sometimes can be exasperating. I know that people mean well but the last thing a person wants is criticism of their goal. And sometimes these kinds of statements can derail you. After hearing “you look fine how you are” and “girl, you don’t need to lose weight”, you start believing that.

It’s not about vanity for me, but about attaining a healthy, active lifestyle. When I’m not active and I get winded easily, I’m embarrased and a bit disappointed in myself. This is perhaps the hardest goal for me to attain, because of the learning and constant motivation necessary to reach the finish line. But I know that I can do it!

I also want to learn French, be in a long-term relationship and improve my credit scores. Talk about having my work cut out for me!!

I would love for you guys to comment and share your goals with me. Even if you think it’s something small (I don’t think in terms of size with goals; what matters is that we’re moving forward), it serves as motivation and inspiration for me and the other readers of this blog. So go ahead, don’t be shy!

Introducing: This Motivated Sista

I’m introducing a new feature on Motivated Sista called This Motivated Sista. I’ll be highlighting women that I come across that are ambitious, goal oriented women. I came up with this feature because women inspire me every day – by their perserverance, strength, willingness to take on something new, and their enthusiasm at reaching new goals. I hope that these posts inspire you in the same way, to see that the women around you (including yourself!) are doing some great things. Instead of comparing yourself to others and taking this to feel bad, that you take it and want to be included in that number. And know that what you’re doing is just as worthwhile, just as wonderful, and that you can accomplish some great things also. By believing in yourself, believing that good things are coming your way, and knowing that anything is possible, no dream is out of reach for you.

 

This Motivated Sista

 

 

Camille

Houston, TX

(visiting DC)

 

 

Do you feel that you’re an ambitious woman? Why or why not?

Yes I do. Because I’m working toward goals. That’s basically what ambitious means: you have something to look forward to, you’re working towards something.

 

 

Share one goal with us that you’re working towards.

One goal is to patent some inventions. I have a whole list of things – I just think of them and write them down. One day you’ll see my infomercial!

 

Thanks Camille for being our first Motivated Sista!

 

What Is The Cost Of Fear?

What is fear?

Wikipedia says that

Fear is an emotional response to a threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. Some psychologists such as John B. Watson, Robert Plutchik, and Paul Ekman have suggested that fear is one of a small set of basic or innate emotions. This set also includes such emotions as joy, sadness, and anger. Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.

 

Let me tell you what fear is.

 

Fear is continuing to stand still, even though your path is before you, because you don’t want to make a false step.

 

Fear is procrastinating to do a task, because you can’t control everything about its execution or outcome.

 

Fear is shying away from the negative opinion of others.

 

Fear is deferring and delaying your dreams.

 

Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.

 

The signs of fear

When you are experiencing fear around a dream or goal, this is different from when you’re doubtful of an outcome. With fear, you have a stronger, deeper negative emotional response, especially if the goal is something that you really really want. You act irrationally in your attempt to evade the situation that’s causing your fear, and you often act in direct opposition to accomplishing the goal itself. Whereas doubt around an outcome may be mere reluctance, hesitation, or skepticism. You’ll still get it done – although when  your mind is in a doubtful state, you’ll probably manifest doubtful results.

 

Fear is something I struggle with personally. I like to think its the fear of success, but honestly, the type of fear I feel doesn’t matter. I will find all sorts of reasons why a goal is not possible – I don’t know the right people, I don’t have the money, I’m too old, I’m too young, and on and on. I’ll rationalize it perfectly in my mind and it’ll make so much sense. But deep down all of this side-stepping doesn’t negate the deep desire I have in my heart.

 

This is one area where I find it helpful to have those things that motivate me, such as inspiring books, audio MP3s, websites and quotes. Also, this is a prime example of having solid friends backing you, because my close friends don’t hesitate to pull my card and don’t allow me to BS about a dream. In their own way they support me and encourage me to keep going when I’m feeding into the fear. And most important is actually knowing why you want to accomplish that goal. The end result will shine like a beacon light ahead of you when you lose your way. You just have to practice mustering the strength to step back on the path you already set out on.

 

One of the principles that I rely on lately is the thought that I never want to look back on my life and say “I wish I would’ve done that.” Regret is a stronger negative emotion for me than fear. It boils down to another way to motivate myself to press on. There are so many external factors that hold us back in life; you don’t want the thing that stands between you and your accomplishments to be your own mind.

 

The cost of fear

After all, the cost of fear is high.

 

Fear will leave you stranded in the same ‘box’ that others put you in.

 

Fear will multiply and grow, and the fear you felt at meeting new people will turn into fear of leaving your home, fear of criminals out to harm you and other magnified fears.

 

Fear will leave you unhealthy, unhappy and broke.

 

Fear will leave you as a shell of the intelligent, ambitious woman that you are inside.

 

None of these places are where I want to be. I’ve seen the cost of fear in my own life and as hard as it is, I know I must march through it. So what is fear costing you? Tell me how you’ve overcome a fear, or the ways in which you’re currently working through a fear you have.

Getting Back on the Wagon

For the last few weeks, the gym has been your second home. You’ve been sticking to your eating plan, making healthy choices and turning away from old habits with no sweat. Friends and coworkers comment on the changes your body has made. Crystal Light is your new best friend. You’ve even found hairstyles that will allow you to be cute and a gym rat at the same time.   Then something unexpected happens. You pull a hamstring; a friend visits from out of town; you go out of town on business; or, the dreaded round of holiday parties wreaks havoc on your eating habits. Before you know it, you’re off the wagon and struggling to get back on. It seems impossible to do sometimes, but it doesn’t have to spell the end of your progress.    

 

Start from where you are

You don’t have to start from the beginning, from square one. Whenever we fall off the wagon, our minds repeat the message that starting back means starting over. This is a trick our minds play on us to keep up the status quo. You see, you may want to fit into your favorite jeans from college, but your mind does not. Your mind wants your body to digest the same foods its been digesting, perform the same actions its been performing, and basically not make any big changes to your pattern of habits. The mind is a thing of habit and its been firmly entrenched in your current habits. It makes it hard for you to consciously make changes to those habits. So when an opportunity comes for your mind to resume previous, comfortable habits, it will do so.   Whenever your thoughts drift into ones that discourage you from going back into the gym, from throwing out the junk food thats mysteriously appears in your cabinets, or any other way in which your mind plays tricks on you, don’t despair. Just continue moving forward from the exact place where you are.

 

When you get back into the gym, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is for you to resume your regimen. Your mind may convince you that reconditioning your muscles and rebuilding your endurance will be mentally and physically painful. I’m urging you to start from where you are because your bodies and muscles have an internal memory – you’re not actually reconditioning from the ground level. You’ll probably be close to the level of fitness that you stopped at.

 

Really, the biggest struggle here, is with mindset.

 

Because your mind has lapsed into old patterns of thought, your work is really to bring your mind back around to the place you left off. The problem is, its generally harder to get back on the wagon because your mind is prepared for this assault – you’ve been here before – so it takes more convincing to do the same things with ease that you previous did. One way to combat this struggle with your mind is to introduce a new aspect to the habit you’re working to reestablish.

 

Add something new to the mix

I personally struggle with the quest to get fit. While currently climbing back on the wagon, I added time on the elliptical machine to my cardio routine. This has not only given me a new challenge to complete, but it also gives me something new to look forward to during my gym sessions. Adding this new component also gives my mind a new aspect to grapple with, and its more difficult for my mind to come up with excuses for this new thing. It can’t highlight the things that are difficult or unpleasant about it, because I haven’t experienced it before. And it can’t irrationally tell me that this new aspect won’t work or that I’m not good at it either, because its something I had never tried.

 

We all fall off the wagon sometimes. Its not the failure thats important, but your willingness to get back up and keep working at your goal until you succeed.

 

What are some of the methods you incorporate to get back on the wagon?

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