How To Stop Fighting Yourself

Today I overheard something interesting.

One of my coworkers came to my area to buy a honey bun from the little store that my employee association runs. The store was out of honeybuns and someone suggested he come back in an hour or so. “That’s ok,” he said. “I’m trying to lose weight. It’s just going to make me fatter.”

Huh?

I was confused… because I’m sure he was aware of that when he walked over here.

But I can’t even say anything because I’ve been there myself. How many times have we set goals but then sabotaged ourselves? Or acted in ways that were directly opposite to what we said we wanted?

When it comes to taking action, your own mind can seem like an unruly stranger. You find yourself acting in ways that don’t make sense, and sometimes it can feel like you can’t control yourself.

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4 Ways Entrepreneurs Hold Ourselves Back

The other night, as I was talking myself through a self-imposed hurdle, I was inspired to write this post.

I’m familiar with what it takes to start a business and each step along the way. But that doesn’t mean I’m immune to the fear, self-doubt and worry that can come along when you put yourself and your ideas out there.

Sometimes you can get so paralyzed by the fear that other people will tell you ‘no’, that you don’t even put yourself in the game. And that’s really sad.

Because that is simply confusing one person’s opinion with your worth. For example, if someone looks at one of my shirts and doesn’t like them, I’ve come to learn that that’s just their opinion – their opinion isn’t a measure of what my business or my product is worth. Just as someone’s good opinion isn’t a measure of worth for me. Ultimately, I set my own worth – my opinion is the only one that truly matters.

How We Hold Ourselves Back

I’ve found that we limit ourselves in alot of ways because we subconsciously seek outside approval. I think this is caused by being attached to the outcome of what we do. It’s not enough for us to start a business and do something we love – if other people don’t validate our worth, then we tell ourselves that we’re not good enough.

Here are four ways entrepreneurs hold themselves back, and strategies to get around them:

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A Shift In Focus

Today I realized that I’ve been playing kinda small, and for that I apologize to you guys.

For as long as I remember, I’ve been passionate about entrepreneurship. I’m naturally a big dreamer and you guys know that I love to inspire others, drop an encouraging word and contemplate how great we all can be. But in my quest to build this blog, I got lost in the sauce somewhere.

Lately I’ve been more concerned with popularity than the value I give to you - with the number of subscribers and Facebook fans I have, how I measure up to similar bloggers, the kind of recognition I could receive from this. When all of that isn’t the point, and never was.

I lost sight of the fact that this isn’t about me – it’s about you.

When I stay true to my core self, you guys benefit. When I’m excited, when I’m motivated, when I’m growing, I can better take you along with me. Since I veered off someplace else, it’s been hard for me to write. Since I wanted to put a glossy finish to everything, I wasn’t being the best me I can be and my words and thoughts have stopped flowing like they used to. I didn’t want to show you my mistakes, didn’t want to look too close at what’s not working or admit that I could do better – because that would mean I’m not doing my best now.

How does the saying go? The truth shall set you free?

In my effort to include as many people as I could in my blog audience, I wasn’t including myself. I was trying to write about what I thought you guys needed, which resulted in me leaving out the things I’m most excited about – entrepreneurship, and lifestyle design and optimal living. And in the end I wasn’t writing about what either of us ultimately need.

So that’s where my focus will be, from now on. I realize that some of you aren’t into those topics and won’t come along with me, and I’ll come to terms with that. If, at the end of the day, there’s only one person here – me – I’ll be okay with that. This isn’t a personal blog, even though I write about personal topics sometimes - my mission is to motivate you. But if you are looking for something else than what I have, that’s okay too.

The biggest part of this change is that I’ll write more about topics that I haven’t become proficient at yet. I’m still building my business empire and becoming the person that I dream about growing into, and it’s not an easy thing to publicly say “hey, I’m not there yet”. But that’s some of what I’ll be doing here.

So what do you guys think about my shift in focus? At the end of the day, we don’t all have the same dreams, and I want to help as many of my readers as I can reach the dreams I’m best able to motivate you guys to pursue.

15 Reasons I Love Not Fitting In

For most of my life, I’ve been told that I don’t fit in.

Really, this is ok. I struggled against being told that I’m different, I tried and tried to be like other girls, then other women, especially in college. The older I get the more I embrace the things that make me unique.

The more people I meet, the more I appreciate the person I was born to be. To me, people are like snowflakes – you’ll never meet 2 people that are exactly alike, sometimes you have to dig deeper or get to know a person better in order to realize that. But each person’s individual mark on humankind is always there.

So when Annabel over at Get In The Hot Spot wrote about 35 Ways She Doesn’t Fit In, I thought ‘how cool is this!’ and joined in the fun.



So without further ado, here are 15 reasons I love not fitting in:

1. I’m an introvert (sometimes people are surprised when I say this, I guess because of #2). I’m really content with sitting quietly by myself, especially with a book in hand. I guess it comes from being raised as an only child.


2. I’m pretty goofy and I love to ham it up. I didn’t appreciate this about myself until I met my best friend, who’s even more of a jokester than I am. I used to hide my sense of humor (and just make jokes in my own head) and didn’t joke that much. I find that most people either don’t have a sense of humor, or don’t find the same things funny that I do, so I tend to zip it. But once I know you like to laugh, its on!


3. I’m shy. I wouldn’t say painfully…  having a strong sense of humor helps with breaking the ice. Sometimes I find myself cracking jokes out of nervousness, and I make myself stop and face the fear of meeting new people.

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Top 10 Blogs For Your Goals

I don’t quite remember what life was life for me before I discovered blogs. I’ve learned so much from reading blogs – I’ve become a better blogger (thanks, Annabel), entrepreneur, changed my diet, learned how to better care for my hair… the list goes on. There’s truly a blog out there for pretty much everything you want to learn or discuss.

There are several in my Google Reader that stand above the rest. Not only do I learn alot from certain bloggers, but their writing style makes their advice entertaining and engaging. I want to share my top 10 blogs with you, in the hope that you might find them useful in your goal achievement.

Upgrading your mindset

Sojourner’s Passport – Khadija’s blog is like a long, cool drink of water when you didn’t realize you were thirsty. Its the catalyst that makes you sit up straight and realize that you’ve nodded off and didn’t notice. I like to challenge paradigms, but for the most part I play it safe. She.does.not.

I highly recommend Sojourner’s Passport for the black woman who feels like she’s the only one who has certain thoughts; that the people and situations around her are not really reflective of who she is and who she’s capable of becoming; and for the woman who’s done talking and ready for action. I highly stress the word action.

Illuminated Mind – Jonathan writes about personal development but from outside the established norm. His goal is not to make you feel good, its not to regurgitate self-help cliches and he doesn’t strive to be your friend. Jonathan questions the way you think and shoves you outside your comfort zone. You can almost feel your toes going over the line that separates what you’re used to and where you need to head in order to grow.

Ridiculously Extraordinary – y’all already know I like Karol’s blog (here’s my interview with Karol). What makes Karol a cool blogger to read about is that he was never hooked into the “get a good job, buy a house, save money, retire” system that most of us were programmed to follow. So its almost like reading the thought processes of a person who lives outside the Matrix. Like Jonathan, he’s not trying to make friends – he wants you to see things in a different light.

Upgrading your appearance

Clumps of Mascara – I love Brittany’s blog because she makes makeup accessible to those of us who didn’t grow up reading fashion magazines. Brittany has written so much about all types of makeup that I come away feeling armed and dangerous in the drugstore makeup aisle. Her videos are fun to watch and sort of a refreshing opposite to all the MAC makeup gurus on Youtube.

Moptop Maven – I was really surprised to find that Nikole has only been blogging for a year. Her blog is a goldmine for information on natural hair, vintage shopping, cooking, crafting and natural living topics such as making your own products and replacing commercial products with natural ones. Sometimes when I’m tired and don’t have the energy to read I just look at all the gorgeous pics she posts.

What Would Emma Pillsbury Wear – last year I watched Glee online, since I wasn’t home to catch it when it came on tv. Outside of Glee and Family Guy, I don’t pay attention to what’s going on in tvland. I immediately loved Emma Pillsbury’s character for her clean-freakiness and her adorable, ladylike outfits. I squealed like a 5-year old when I came across WWEPW. Not only are Danielle’s posts funny, but her and her guest bloggers keep an eagle eye out for where you can buy some of the outfits from the show. Loves it!

Upgrading your relationships

Acts of Faith – Faith’s writing style is similar to Khadija’s, in that both women will not sugar coat reality for you. Faith helps you take the blinders off about your love life and encourages you to make better choices in the men you date. What I enjoy about Faith’s blog is that she totally analyzes a situation from a different point of view and pulls out wisdom that truly helps the woman who is determined to live well. If that’s you, then definitely check her out.

Black Women Interracial Marriage Ezine – I can’t remember how I found Evia’s blog, but she changed my perspective on interracial dating. Evia dispels the majority of myths that are prevalent about black women dating nonblack men. What was powerful for me, though, was all the pics that she has of happy, smiling, regular couples. It’s one thing for Melody Hobson to date George Lucas, but me and George don’t really hang out at the same Starbucks. So she shows every day black women like you and me that there’s a whole world of men that find us attractive. Her essays help you to put your best foot forward and change your dating game.

Upgrading your destination

Thrilling Heroics – Cody inspires my nomadic CEO dreams. His pics, blog posts and interviews with other mobile entrepreneurs encourage me that I, too, can have the travel freedom lifestyle. He recently launched University, where other traveling entrepreneurs can help you to reach that lifestyle goal, too. Plus its just cool to read about people who’ve broken out of cubicle nation on their own terms.

Fluent In 3 Months – Benny is a polyglot who’s learned at least 8 languages fluently, and he shows you how to become fluent in a language. He also writes about his travel experiences and his life as a technomad. What’s great about Fluent in 3 Months is that you really see that to travel the world, you don’t have to be rich. Seeing a dream come to life is awesome, don’t you think?

Check out these blogs and let me know what you think. What are some of your favorite blogs, for optimizing your goals?

Are You Being Lazy?

Today’s topic comes from Annabel Candy, via a comment she left on the Motivated Sista Page on Facebook. “What is the difference between procrastination and laziness?!” she asked. I had to think about that for a moment… because honestly, its really easy to say you’re ‘just procrastinating’ when really, you’re being lazy!



We’ve all been guilty of it too. As motivated as I am to reach for the stars, honestly, sometimes I just can’t. Or I just don’t feel like it. Or I’m tired. But fatigue is much different than caving into our feelings, and allowing how we feel to dictate our actions. We live in a society that has accepted procrastination as a normal part of the work flow, yet we don’t really acknowledge that our minds and bodies need periodic breaks from working hard.

Its not really sufficient to take 14 days out of a year to rest yourself. And I know alot of people who take ‘staycations’ during that time, and get work done around the house and other errands. That’s not really a break, vacation or rest from anything.

Constantly wearing your mind and body down leads to the place where you don’t want to get much of anything done. Before you know it, you keep putting things off, then working frantically to meet deadlines. Its an unhealthy cycle that can be avoided with a little mental toughness and planning.

Are You Being Lazy?

Before you start beating up on yourself, make sure what you’re feeling is not actually fatigue. Our society is structured in a way that doesn’t really promote periodic rest periods. But if you’re grinding steadily on your goals, its important to give yourself down time to refresh your mind and rejuvenate your spirit.

After that question is out of the way, the easiest way to tell if you’re being lazy is to figure out what your intentions are. If you’re trying to avoid the task altogether then you’re probably being lazy. Lazy people question why they need to act and bemoan the fact that they have to do what they have to do. In other words, they make excuses and allow their emotions to dictate their actions (i.e. “I don’t want to do it”).

On the other hand, procrastination is a temporary avoidance tactic. I find that I procrastinate out of a twisted sense of perfectionism: if I can’t do something perfectly, then I don’t want to do it. I recognize that I must still complete the task but I’m reluctant to put my name on anything that’s not ‘perfect’. What that really means is, I can’t do it within the vision of how it should go. I’m working on that habit because I fully recognize that things can’t always go how I envision them to.

How To Beat Procrastination

One of the breakthroughs I’ve had lately is that it’s ok to be lazy sometimes. What I think is laziness is usually fatigue or mental burnout. But in those times where I have energy, I’m inspired, focused and motivated, I make myself handle as much as I can. Getting things done ahead of time is one of the best cures for procrastination. That way, I’m not scrambling around trying to finish something at the last minute – when things are done ahead of time I can allow myself to be lazy, because my work is done.

Another way to beat procrastination is to get into the habit of performing tasks every day. Steady work toward a goal is one way to stop yourself from putting it off. If you assign yourself something small and constantly overdeliver, you’re sure to train yourself to stay ahead of your deadlines.

How do you beat procrastination and laziness? I’d love to read your comments on this topic.

What Do Your Dreams Look Like?

When you close your eyes and look at your dreams, what do you see?

When you think about the future and what you where you want to be, what do you feel?

When you listen to loving voice in your head, that’s guiding you to the person you were born to be, what do you hear?

Do you take the time to listen, to feel, to see what’s before you?

So often, before we dare to dream and to desire something new in our lives, we allow our negative self-talk to talk ourselves out of what we want. You might say things to yourself like:

• I can’t possibly go back to school, because that costs money.
• How am I going to afford that trip that I’ve always wanted to take? Might as well not even think about it.
• I might as well start adopting cats because there’s no good men left.
• I don’t have enough time to start my own business. I’ll be in this rat race forever.

Whatever YOU tell yourself about yourself, is definitely true.

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Strong Black Woman: Fact or Fiction?

It’s been a while since the Circle got together and pondered a question. Since I had the opportunity to poll 5 other dynamic black women, I figured I’d tackle this loaded question: what does the phrase ‘strong black woman’ mean to you?

Everyone has their own opinion and I’m glad we don’t all agree on this topic.

I think its crucial to our goals to really think about the value and resources we add to other people’s lives, and if that same value is being given back to us. If others aren’t willing to give us their best effort, why are we doing so? Why are we putting our goals, our finances, energy and even our health on the back burner in order to further someone else’s objectives?

How does being a ‘strong black woman’ tie in to all this??

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3 Realizations To Avoid This Fate

I really don’t want this to be you. This video is unfortunate on so many levels. Just watch and crack up laughing like I did.



So let’s establish this situation: Max Scott has a 19-year-old stepdaughter, Erika Smith, who is a college freshman. He bought a $2500 car from her and gave her $100 as a deposit. He then borrows $2500 from her grant money to put rims and a stereo in the car.

Then, he lets one of his friends borrow the car, relying on Erika’s insurance coverage on the 14 year-old car to protect him and/or his friend from any accidents. His friend wrecks the car. Adding insult to injury, Max decides that because Erika lives there, and has her friends visit, that he is entitled to her school money scot-free because he takes care of her.

Riigghhttttt….

Let’s count all the ways this whole entire situation stinks to high heaven.

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On Days When You’re Not Feeling It

I’m not feeling it today, y’all.

On most days, I’m full of energy. I’m excited, I’m motivated, I’m in a great mood, I’m optimistic and hopeful. In my mind’s eye, my dreams loom largely on the horizon.

Today I feel tired. I’m a bit down and my goals seem far away. I can’t laugh and joke as easily as I usually do. I feel disconnected from my dreams. And for today, that’s ok.

We can’t be on it every day. We’re not robots or Energizer Bunnies that can keep going and going. Sometimes we have setbacks that knock us off stride. Or sometimes our bodies, minds and spirits are not in alignment and the friction is exhibited through our emotions.

How To Recharge Your Batteries

When I feel like this, the first thing I usually do is acknowledge my emotions and how my body feels. Its ok for me to be tired, for me to have a day or two where I’m a little blue, or not as happy or optimistic. What’s not ok, though, is for me to have a prolonged period of time in this state. That means that there’s something serious going on that I need to further examine.

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