Keep your questions rolling in! I really enjoy doing this.
In a comment on my previous post, a reader asked:
What do you do when you are apart of a lack of support?
My only sibling is getting married to a young lady Ive watched manipulate him for years. I want to be happy for him. I want to release the ideas of him as my sidekick, and confidant. I want to let go of the disappointment of him never finishing school to take care of this woman and their child. I want to be the supportive sister I’ve always been. My gut, heart, and head are all against this marriage (its rare when everything in me votes unanimously).
I believe fear is playing the biggest part in his decision. It’s like watching him walk into a burning building, but I’m a mute with nothing around to throw at his head to catch his attention; Like he’s in autopilot. I’ve been told to mind my business by friends and family. That’s hard. He’s always been my business. I want to let go and be at peace. I don’t want to be cut off because of my opposing views. Its plaguing me. Any advise?
Thank you for submitting that question, and here’s my response:
This was a wonderful question because we often dwell on how other people aren’t there for us – but very seldom do we think about how we don’t support the people in our lives.
Ultimately, in order to release the frustration and disapproval you have for someone else’s choice, you have to allow for them to make their own decisions. You have to trust that they are fulfilling their own dreams, even if it’s in a manner that you don’t agree with. You also have to allow that people will make choices that don’t make sense to you and that their decisions don’t have to make sense to you. Your standards and outlook on life aren’t the same as theirs, and their path to happiness and joy won’t be the same as yours.
If you love someone, you support them no matter what. That doesn’t mean you have to support all of their decisions.
Just as no one has the right to dictate your life, you don’t have the right to dictate someone else’s. We are all charged with the task of making ourselves happy and not relying on others to do that, so we must stand back and give people space to do so on their own terms.
Were you faced with a similar situation to this one? How did you resolve your opposition?
Many people are so excited to announce their endeavors to their family and friends. The just KNOW that the people closest to them, who know them the best, will be estatic for them.
Often, that is not the case.
It’s not that the people in your life don’t want to support you – they just don’t know how. They have an image of you that’s not the total picture of who you are, but for them that image is true. When you add in elements that doesn’t fit with that image – such as goals and objectives that are in conflict with the image they have of you – most people can’t adapt and be supportive.
There’s also the factor that some people don’t think what you’re doing is the right thing, or don’t share your vision for your life.
Either way, in this video I talk about how you can cope when your friends and family aren’t supportive.
Here’s a post I previously wrote, with more suggestions: Guard Your Dreams With Your Life.
Have you experienced this before? How did you deal with unsupportive loved ones?
Maybe it’s just me, but the end of 2011 was a real doozy.
It seemed like almost everyone I knew experienced tragedy of some kind. Whether they were laid off, a loved one died, or they battled a health crisis, I just kept hearing of bad things happening to good people.
Do you think this year will be better? Here’s a better question – what do you plan to do to make it better?
I have big plans for 2012 and I hope you do too! Create a list of your expectations – we receive what we expect, not just what we hope or wish for! Post it near your desk so you look at it every day. Then go out and do the work to cause your expectations to come into your life.
Here are 12 expectations I have for 2012:
- I expect greater abundance. This year, I expect the ability to quit my day job and run my coaching business full time. I’ve created a marketing plan and I will follow the plan to attract more clients.
- I expect greater joy.
- I expect love. I expect to attract and date wonderful men, and I expect that I’ll start a committed, romantic relationship this year. I also expect that I’ll strengthen my bonds with family and friends and to support those who are moving forward in their lives.
- I expect fun. I expect to enjoy myself! All work and no play makes Anilia a very dull girl. I expect to do more of the things I love and enjoy.
- I expect happiness. I expect to have time to do the small things that bring me happiness for no reason. I expect to find more of these things that I hadn’t realized before.
- I expect good health. I expect to release unhealthy eating habits and excess weight. I expect to gain mental clarity, better health, restful sleep and to enjoy eating healthy, unprocessed foods. I also expect to become more physically fit and to exercise daily.
- I expect new experiences. In order to learn new things and reach greater success, I have to push myself out of my comfort zone. I expect to meet new people and do different things, which will cause me to view life and the people in my world just a bit differently. I expect to have new experiences as a result.
- I expect expanded vision. I expect to read more, expand my mindset and believe in new possibilities. I also expect to improve my mindset in the areas that need improvement.
- I expect new relationships. From the new experiences I’ll have in 2012, I expect to gain lifelong colleagues and friends who are also high achievers and forward moving. I also expect to meet mentors who will help me reach the next level of my business success and in life.
- I expect new perspectives. From the expansion of my mindset and social circle, I expect to learn how to look at things more efficiently. I also expect to improve my ability to think outside of the box.
- I expect greater wealth. I expect to learn more about investing and other ways to grow financially. I expect to improve my mindset about money and attract even more into my life. I expect the new experiences and relationships I’ve formed to positively influence my wealth.
- I expect renewal. I expect to receive enough rest and to adequately care for myself. I expect minimal illness or injury. I expect to feel refreshed and energized.
What expectations do you hold for 2012? And how can I help you realize those expectations in your life?
I hope your Christmas shopping is completed, but if not, good luck out there! I saw news stories about long lines and bizarre behavior over Jordan sneakers. It’s really not that serious.
Our society has become material-driven during the holidays. You can always mark what holiday is coming by the elaborate displays in CVS and Target. The best gift to give to your loved ones, though, can’t be bought in a store (how’s that for a cliche, eh?). The best Christmas gift you can give to others is to give yourself all year long.
We tend to give everything we’ve got – all our time, energy, money and focus – to the people in our lives. Some of those people – like coworkers and members of organizations we’re in – aren’t even friends or family. Yet we roll up our sleeves and put in tons of effort for other people’s dreams.
Give Your Best, Rested, Focused, Present Self
Instead of spreading yourself too thin, worrying about how another person’s life will turn out and dwelling on past events you cannot change, why don’t you give your best self?
You can’t be a blessing in another person’s life if you’re tired, depleted, broke, and worried. Give yourself a break if you need it. Pull back from activities that aren’t absolutely necessary (i.e. not helping you pay bills), and learn how to say no. Saying no and being fully present and available when you can is better than saying yes and being a mess because you’re not at your best.
There’s a saying that “you can’t pour blessings into another’s cup if your own cup is empty”. I truly believe that as the truth.
Give Your Genuine, Unbiased, Unprejudiced Self
Along those same lines, you can’t be a blessing in anyone’s life if you’re being fake, judgmental or viewing their dreams and their problems through your own lens. We all want different things in life so it’s not fair to make someone else feel negatively about their desires because they choose something different than you do. In the end, what they need is your support and friendship, not another naysayer to kill their dreams. Put yourself in their shoes and give your best self.
Now I admit that this is something I’m working on within myself. I tend to be hard on others if I know that they’re capable of greatness. Yet I have to allow that we’re all in a constant state of evolution, heck I’m not where I want to be either. I’m getting to a place where I accept and have no judgements attached to the choices that people make in their lives.
Give Your Most Inspired, Loving, Nonfearful, Blissful Self
When you’re inspired, blissful, happy and hopeful, you’re connected to God and able to help others reach that same connection. That’s one of the most valuable experiences you can give to another. Yet when you’re feeling down, bitter, in a state of worry and feeling lost, what do you have to give? Find the happy place within yourself and do things that make you happy for no reason. You owe it to yourself to take the best care that you can, but you also owe it to others to share your talents and gifts with the world.
Stop putting yourself last. Put your health, mental state and happiness first. When you’re at your best you can give your best. Isn’t that what you really want?
But at the same time, that intense motivation backfires on me. With strong ambition and wanting to do alot of things, comes scheduling problems that make it impractical to work on everything at once.
And as I’m feeling this time crunch, I’m also thinking about what I’m not doing with my time – hanging out with friends, seeing family and cultivating my love life.
Sometimes I wonder if women like me can really have it all?
Or must we sacrifice success in order to have a family? Is it possible to do both simultaneously?
What this really boils down to is, why are there so many successful, driven, single women?
Click Here To Continue
I was talking to a close friend the other day about a big idea she has. Her excitement was so contagious and her vision was definitely one I appreciated. Then, the next day, she told me that she shared that vision with someone else, who called her crazy.
Has this ever happened to you?
It’s frustrating sometimes. You see things differently than the people around you. Instead of those people respecting that, they’ll call you crazy, and say things like “good luck with that!” or just shake their heads. Why are things that are different necessarily bad?
We don’t all have to agree. Heck, we all don’t agree and rarely do. So it’s not like someone with a different outlook, a different goal or a huge aspiration is something new.
Let’s look at a few people who were called crazy for wanting something different:
Click Here For The Crazies
From the Motivated Sista Mail Bag:
A Motivated CEO writes: I hope all is well with you this morning or afternoon… I have been a reader of your blog for a little over 7 months now and I enjoy reading your posts they are very powerful and most of all inspirational to me…
I’ m a 26 year old Black woman who is single. I haven’t been in a relationship for 4 years, majority of my friends are in relationships and sometimes its hard to be the only single person in the group. For some reason I can’t find love nor anyone who interest me. I’ve had alot of guys approach me but once I start talking to them I can tell we are on two different pages. I’m just in a place in my life that I just don’t want to keep dating just to date I actually want to date and hopefully find my husband and the father of my kids. People say I’m crazy because I’m only 26 and already looking for a husband but I say I’m not getting any younger I’m getting older….
I’m also struggling with my career I just finished school for event/ wedding planning but am currently working at an insurance company. I know my dream is to be a wedding planner but right now am kind of content working at the insurance company. It’s a great company but I know this is not what I want my career to be. I get sidetracked alot and that’s a major issue for me and something I’m trying to work on… my goal is by the time am 30 I want to be successful and comfortable where I am financially. That’s my goal and only have 4 years to reach it and at the pace I’m going I’m not sure if its possible. But like you said in your post (we are the only people that’s standing in our way) I’m the only person who can stop my dream from happening but its so much easier said than done… can you give me any advice on my confusion????
Girlfriend, I have two words for you: Specificity and Planning.
Click Here For My Response
There are several in my Google Reader that stand above the rest. Not only do I learn alot from certain bloggers, but their writing style makes their advice entertaining and engaging. I want to share my top 10 blogs with you, in the hope that you might find them useful in your goal achievement.
Upgrading your mindset
Sojourner’s Passport – Khadija’s blog is like a long, cool drink of water when you didn’t realize you were thirsty. Its the catalyst that makes you sit up straight and realize that you’ve nodded off and didn’t notice. I like to challenge paradigms, but for the most part I play it safe. She.does.not.
I highly recommend Sojourner’s Passport for the black woman who feels like she’s the only one who has certain thoughts; that the people and situations around her are not really reflective of who she is and who she’s capable of becoming; and for the woman who’s done talking and ready for action. I highly stress the word action.
Illuminated Mind – Jonathan writes about personal development but from outside the established norm. His goal is not to make you feel good, its not to regurgitate self-help cliches and he doesn’t strive to be your friend. Jonathan questions the way you think and shoves you outside your comfort zone. You can almost feel your toes going over the line that separates what you’re used to and where you need to head in order to grow.
Ridiculously Extraordinary – y’all already know I like Karol’s blog (here’s my interview with Karol). What makes Karol a cool blogger to read about is that he was never hooked into the “get a good job, buy a house, save money, retire” system that most of us were programmed to follow. So its almost like reading the thought processes of a person who lives outside the Matrix. Like Jonathan, he’s not trying to make friends – he wants you to see things in a different light.
Upgrading your appearance
Clumps of Mascara – I love Brittany’s blog because she makes makeup accessible to those of us who didn’t grow up reading fashion magazines. Brittany has written so much about all types of makeup that I come away feeling armed and dangerous in the drugstore makeup aisle. Her videos are fun to watch and sort of a refreshing opposite to all the MAC makeup gurus on Youtube.
Moptop Maven – I was really surprised to find that Nikole has only been blogging for a year. Her blog is a goldmine for information on natural hair, vintage shopping, cooking, crafting and natural living topics such as making your own products and replacing commercial products with natural ones. Sometimes when I’m tired and don’t have the energy to read I just look at all the gorgeous pics she posts.
What Would Emma Pillsbury Wear – last year I watched Glee online, since I wasn’t home to catch it when it came on tv. Outside of Glee and Family Guy, I don’t pay attention to what’s going on in tvland. I immediately loved Emma Pillsbury’s character for her clean-freakiness and her adorable, ladylike outfits. I squealed like a 5-year old when I came across WWEPW. Not only are Danielle’s posts funny, but her and her guest bloggers keep an eagle eye out for where you can buy some of the outfits from the show. Loves it!
Upgrading your relationships
Acts of Faith – Faith’s writing style is similar to Khadija’s, in that both women will not sugar coat reality for you. Faith helps you take the blinders off about your love life and encourages you to make better choices in the men you date. What I enjoy about Faith’s blog is that she totally analyzes a situation from a different point of view and pulls out wisdom that truly helps the woman who is determined to live well. If that’s you, then definitely check her out.
Black Women Interracial Marriage Ezine – I can’t remember how I found Evia’s blog, but she changed my perspective on interracial dating. Evia dispels the majority of myths that are prevalent about black women dating nonblack men. What was powerful for me, though, was all the pics that she has of happy, smiling, regular couples. It’s one thing for Melody Hobson to date George Lucas, but me and George don’t really hang out at the same Starbucks. So she shows every day black women like you and me that there’s a whole world of men that find us attractive. Her essays help you to put your best foot forward and change your dating game.
Upgrading your destination
Thrilling Heroics – Cody inspires my nomadic CEO dreams. His pics, blog posts and interviews with other mobile entrepreneurs encourage me that I, too, can have the travel freedom lifestyle. He recently launched University, where other traveling entrepreneurs can help you to reach that lifestyle goal, too. Plus its just cool to read about people who’ve broken out of cubicle nation on their own terms.
Fluent In 3 Months – Benny is a polyglot who’s learned at least 8 languages fluently, and he shows you how to become fluent in a language. He also writes about his travel experiences and his life as a technomad. What’s great about Fluent in 3 Months is that you really see that to travel the world, you don’t have to be rich. Seeing a dream come to life is awesome, don’t you think?
Check out these blogs and let me know what you think. What are some of your favorite blogs, for optimizing your goals?
That lie has touched almost every African American person in America.
If you’re not careful, not diligent and not focused, you can become a victim of that lie too.
So many have already fallen – are you strong enough to withstand the lie?
Click Here To Continue
Everyone has their own opinion and I’m glad we don’t all agree on this topic.
I think its crucial to our goals to really think about the value and resources we add to other people’s lives, and if that same value is being given back to us. If others aren’t willing to give us their best effort, why are we doing so? Why are we putting our goals, our finances, energy and even our health on the back burner in order to further someone else’s objectives?
How does being a ‘strong black woman’ tie in to all this??
Click Here To Continue