The Scam of Unselfishness

You’re not going to like this post very much.

You see, I’m here today to tell you that you’ve been hoodwinked. If you’re a woman, you were probably taught to be nice, to always think of others, to give unselfishly of yourself, and to ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. And if you’re a man, we’ve all heard the saying that ‘nice guys finish last’. You’ve seen in your own life where you’ve been ‘too nice’, you’ve given and given and given, and you put others’ wants and needs before your own.

How is that working out for you??

I’m gonna guess probably not that well. These lessons are great ways to teach children how to interact with the world. Children by nature are very self-centered and pleasure-driven, so I can see where it is not safe or practical to raise a child that only knows how to satisfy his or her needs, without consideration of others or taking into account the consequences of their actions. But you’re not a child anymore.

You’re an adult with needs and desires of your own, and you’re probably tired of getting your feelings trampled, of others being inconsiderate toward you, of people ‘taking your kindness for weakness’. There are a few tactics you can use to get around this.

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Are You Still Getting It In?

So many of us were determined to ‘get it in in 2010′. In January, you could literally feel the excitement and enthusiasm for a new year and a new decade in the air. I started off this year by choosing a theme for the year and the principles I would work on. You can review that post here. Then, after 3 months, I reviewed my progress in this post. Continuing the analogy that I’m the CEO of Me, its now time for another quarterly review.

This review is even more important, because half of the year has passed. I had several intentions at the beginning of the year – namely to lose weight and incorporate healthy eating habits into my life, take my business and blog to the next level (two specific goals are to become my own boss and write an ebook for Motivated Sista), start a committed relationship, and improve my cooking skills.

How Far I’ve Come

Taking stock of exactly where you are, how far you’ve come and how far you still need to go is integral to your progress. How can you progress if you don’t know which direction you need to go in or what adjustments you need to make? I think this is one of the biggest reasons for failure, besides lack of self-confidence. We either don’t take action or continue to take the wrong action, and then wonder why we’re not where we really want to be.

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10 Reasons My Grandad Is My Hero

My grandfather, William Gaitor, passed away on Wednesday, June 9, 2010. He was 86. My mom is an only child and so am I (well I’m her only child…). My maternal grandmother passed in 1996 so its just me and Mama against the world now. Its so weird, my grandad has always been there. Even when Granny passed, we always had him so this is almost surreal sometimes. Its like, how can a world exist and he not be in it? Unfortunately I’ll come to grips with his absence and miss him terribly, like I miss my grandma and my Dad. He always told me how proud he was of me… I just wish I had told him that he was one of my heroes. During our last conversation he spontaneously said he loved me. I’m glad I got to tell him one last time.

1. William Gaitor was born on March 7, 1924 in Miami. He was affectionately called Bill or Gaitor by his friends and family. He married my grandmother, Muriel Vera Rolle in 1955. Grandaddy liked giving nicknames (a habit I just realized I picked up) – my grandmother’s nickname was ‘My Muriel’ and my nickname was Pumpkin Poo.



2. Grandaddy was a proud Veteran of World War II. My childhood is filled with his stories of his European travel while a soldier, and he loved teaching me the few words he remembered from different languages. Examples are greetings in French, German numbers, and words that I’ve figured out later a child probably shouldn’t be taught… He also told stories of imminent danger, such as the time where his bad habit of being late caused him to be the only survivor when his entire unit was killed. This sparked my early desires to learn different languages and see the places that he’d been, like Berlin or the Eiffel Tower.


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Recognize Who You Really Are

This morning, I listened to a few minutes of the Tom Joyner Morning Show on my way to work. Holly Robinson Peete was a guest on the show, and Tom and his crew asked her questions about her experience on Celebrity Apprentice. They congratulated her on winning a particular challenge, as she not only won but set a record on the show for raising the most funds. She then commented on receiving a cold reception from the other contestants at the beginning of the show, because they did not really know what qualified her to be there. She also joked about being called a b*tch so many times that she probably set the record for that too.

Apparently, Holly has a reputation for being a fundraiser, and it seems that that reputation didn’t precede her onto the show. That conversation sparked thoughts in my own mind about how often we’re underestimated in life because people don’t know who we really are.

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Are You Still Going Hard?

My intention for this week was to video blog every day…yeah um… didn’t quite make it. Here are videos of Day 2 and Day 4. Let me know where you are with your Go Hard goal, and how you’d like to finish out your week. I’m rooting for you and hope you’re rooting for me too!

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Are you ready to GO HARD?

May 1-7 is Go Hard Week here at Motivated Sista. I’ll be video blogging daily on staying motivated to make your goals happen and recharge your desires. You can use this week to restart older goals that have fallen by the wayside, kick start new goals that you’ve been contemplating, or find new goals to pursue. If you’re in, you and I will take 7 days to give 110% of what we have. I suggest you put all your efforts to one goal and really get on your grind, but you can handle this challenge in any way that you wish.

So who’s with me?

Sleepwalking and Donuts

How conscious are you? Are you aware of the world around you, or are you sleepwalking through life, with your eyes wide shut?



We all come to different realizations at different times. What usually happens is: you have an intellectually stimulating conversation, you stumble upon an illuminating blog post, or a friend lends you a must-read book. Suddenly your concept of the world, of yourself, of how life works shifts into something new. Lately I’ve been frustrated to look around and see that alot of people are still unaware and unconscious of the way life works and how people and things around them work.

When I got on the train on Friday, I sat behind these two girls. By girls, they could be anywhere from 15 to 22. They were admiring each other’s nails and hair, and another girl asked one of them who her stylist was and for the stylist’s phone number. When they got up to leave though, one thing I noticed was all 3 girls were significantly overweight.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not pointing fingers. I can stand to lose a few pounds myself. And who knows if these girls aren’t gym buddies or encourage each other to make healthy food choices. I pondered, not for the first time, how black women spend so much time and effort being concerned with periphery matters – our hair, nails, clothes and accessories, tv shows, celebrity trivia – but we neglect the two things in our lives that have the most value and we have the most control over — our minds and bodies.

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1st Quarter Reflections

I’m the CEO of Anilia, Inc. and its time for a quarterly review of my ‘corporation’.

My personal progress

I had several intentions at the beginning of the year – namely to lose weight and incorporate healthy eating habits into my life, take my business and blog to the next level – become my own boss, write an ebook for Motivated Sista, start a committed relationship, and improve my cooking skills. I was supposed to focus on weight loss first, but that was the goal that fell by the wayside. I feel that I’m in a good place with growing my blog audience and learning effective ways to generate enough income from other online ventures to become my own boss. I made several Sunday dinners to improve my cooking skills. And I’ve been slowly and surely working on my ebook.

But I didn’t make much headway with regard to changing my eating habits, working out more or dating. It was easy to make excuses for not going to the gym, blaming my lack of progress on having issues with my car, or not knowing what to eat to be healthy, on and on. The excuses don’t really matter, its how I react to the realization that I’ve been making them that’s important.

One huge setback I had was during the snow storm we had back in February. I indulged myself in vacation-mode thinking during that time, to my detriment. The difference between a vacation and those days we had off is that when you’re planning a vacation, you plan for your absence and know the precise duration that you’ll be away from your tasks. What I did, however, was immerse myself with unproductive habits for an indefinite period of time. As a result, I derailed my fitness and healthy eating habits, my sleep pattern and even my writing flow for Motivated Sista. Even though it was only a week and a half, that mindset definitely wreaked havoc on my goals. Now it’s time to get back on track.

Faith, Focus, Persistence and Determination.

Since I felt uninspired to change my eating habits, I relied on meal plans from Oxygen Magazine. There is a 3-month series that promises to change your body and the way you eat. This is the end of my first week on the plan, and so far I’ve been doing great. This shows me the importance of not only relying on the expertise of others, being open to ideas that don’t sound appealing, but also to make things easier for myself – in essence, ‘work smarter not harder’.

Multi-tasking doesn’t work for me. I need to fully focus on one goal at a time. Because what ends up happening is distraction – the goals that are not currently in front of me get forgotten as I’m fully absorbed in the tasks that are before me. And I don’t feel there’s anything wrong with that, I just need to work with my unique personality and habits to get to where I’m trying to go.

As far as dating, that’s a goal that has a few layers for me. I’m not timid about going out by myself, but I feel anxiety when among a group of people. It doesn’t matter if I know the people around me or not, group settings rattle my nerves. But I have to get over it if I’m going to succeed in meeting new people. The advice I constantly hear is “do what you love and you’ll meet people that way”, so I’m planning to attend new events to not only participate in activities that I’ve been dying to participate in, but also to meet new people outside of the circles I’m already in.

So how is 2010 shaping up for you? Take an opportunity to review your progress on your goals, improve the areas that need improvement, and pat yourself on the back for the progress you’ve made so far. How will you revise your approach to reach your goals, based on your self-reflection?

You’re Smarter Than You Think

A Motivated CEO posted this comment to my last post:

I can definetly say that “Keep it moving” is a quote I live by. Just like “live in the moment” is. Still havent figured out how to stay in the moment..

As I read this topic, a magnifying glass was placed on my current situation. I’m unfortunately In love with my good friend. I told my self that as long as I “live in the moment” things will be fine. No expectations, no drama, just enjoying one another. Well this worked for a little while but the more time we spend and the closer we get the more curious I am about who else he may be involved with. Now as friends we can talk about pretty much anything but this topic has been very uncomfortable for me to address. Why, well because I didnt want the answer to that question. Well curiousity kills the cat they say. I got the answer to my question. It was what I expected but honestly I have no right to be upset because of the “No expectation” rule I set. Now that I have the answers I have to decide what I want ultimately and if the current situation fits into that. I know it doesnt but I dont know how to just let go..

IDK..

Hon, I think you do know, you are just holding yourself back from what you don’t want to do.

Stay In The Moment

Staying in the moment is very hard to master and it takes constant practice. Your mind is used to just running off on its own without you steering its course. Its not something I currently have total control over, but the more I bring my mind into the present moment, the easier it becomes the next time I try. Here’s what I do: say I’m driving, or washing dishes, or talking on the phone. Whatever current physical action I’m doing becomes automatic and my thoughts drift into either beating myself up for something that already happened or worry about something that’s yet to happen. I ‘catch myself’ in these thoughts, literally hearing what these thoughts are and reminding myself that these thoughts serve no purpose for me – in fact, they make things worse. Then I notice and stay focused on my physical actions: the feel of the hot soapy water on my hands; the way my fingers grip the leather of the steering wheel; the words the person is saying to me on the phone; and other physical sensations around me, such as aromas, sounds and textures.

At first, like I said, this is very difficult. Just keep doing it. You might be alarmed by how often you have to do it in the course of a day, because it seems like as soon as you refocus your thoughts, they start to wander again. This is normal. Your mind is a tool that is looking to be occupied, and if you’re not currently solving a problem then it will devise one for itself to solve.

Hearing Tough Answers

Somewhere deep inside, I believe you knew the answer to the question you wanted to ask your friend. That’s why you didn’t want to ask. You had already figured it out (perhaps the signs that he was seeing someone were pieced together as one of those problems your mind gave itself to work on); but actually hearing confirmation that it was true was hard for you. Click Here To Continue

How Fast Do You Keep It Moving?

“Absorb what is useful, discard what is useless, and add what is uniquely your own.” ~ Bruce Lee (emphasis added)

When we think of drama, of changes, and of negative situations, we often say “just keep it moving”. But honestly, how often do we do that? I think alot of times we hold onto people, situations, and even things that no longer serve our purposes. Eventually we’ll let go, either when we’re forced to or we’re involved with the negativity long enough that we’re ‘sick and tired’. It doesn’t have to come to that.

Why We Hold On So Long

My hypothesis on the reason we fail to move on is that we hold ourselves back out of fear. We fear failure, we fear success, we fear the judgement of others, and we fear the consequences of our decisions. We date men who clearly are not the best choice for us, because the fear of the unknown is stronger than our pain in these relationships. We eat horrible diets because of the pain of making lifestyle changes. We fear stepping out on faith with radical dreams because we don’t want to ‘hear people’s mouths’ — those people who promise to unconditionally love, support and uplift us, who fall short on those promises unintentionally.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that these people, situations and habits are useless to you, as the quote states; they just aren’t the proper fit. Maybe they were the proper fit for you in the past, but either you’ve grown or the situation changed. However, if you’re holding yourself back from pursuing something greater – greater friendship, greater love, greater health or greater career status – then you’re doing yourself and those things you need to move on from a great disservice. You wouldn’t continue to wear shoes that don’t fit you properly, so its time to stop occupying your time, efforts and mental energies on things that don’t fit you properly either.

Know When Its Time To Go

Toxic relationships are the hardest things to let go. When you love someone as your friend, significant other or relative, its very difficult and painful to cut those ties. In my experiences though, the people that I needed to move on from don’t realize how negatively they affected me. After hemming and hawing for a while, when I finally cut the ties, I didn’t miss them from my life. What’s worse, I realized how much time I’d wasted and how much unnecessary stress I’d put on myself by holding on. In hindsight, I also realized that me holding onto them was causing them from filling the void I would leave with people who were a better fit for them, too.

Sometimes its not fear that’s holding you back, but a negative self-image. If you don’t think you can do better, deserve better or can achieve better, then you’ll stay right where you are. That situation will take you more time to overcome than just moving on. A negative self-image calls for drastic mental change and an overhaul in the way you define yourself. If that’s truly what’s holding you back, then its not about other people, situations or habits – its all about you.

Keep It Moving In Less Time

You should periodically evaluate how you spend your time and the return you’re receiving on your investment.Once you put 2 and 2 together that the situation isn’t working out for you, don’t waste time. What’s the point of saying to yoruself, “this isn’t working for me” and remaining where you are? At that point you can’t blame anyone but yourself for being in that spot. You’ve recognized what you need to do, so after that there’s nothing left but to keep it moving. The longer you stay, the longer you hold yourself back from the love, support, advancement and fulfillment that you really deserve.

What lessons have you learned from keeping it moving in your own life? Have you gotten faster in moving on from situations that no longer serve you? Let a Motivated Sista know!

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