Define Your Own Truth

In the journey to improve your life, one of your strongest weapons is truth.

I think truth is the type of word that is easy to misconstrue. To me, truth is not just honesty from a person; its also the state of existence that something is in. You can lie to yourself and avoid the state of something in your mind, but that doesn’t mean its not true. That just means that your acceptance is an avoidance; it changes nothing.

That sounds really easy to identify but that’s the type of sleepwalking that I referred to in my last post. I think alot of us walk around dazed because we are afraid to face the truth of our existence. We’d rather pretend its not there or that whatever we’re avoiding is at its current level. Just because we don’t see it doesn’t mean its not true.

Everyone needs truth

The hardest part of facing the truth is accepting what it is. Once you acecpt that something is the way it is, you can either work to improve what you don’t like or learn to live with the status quo. But its more painful, in my opinion, to mask the truth and deny it than to cope with your disappointment.

For example, I’ve noticed that alot of big women will say things like “I’m phat in all the right places”, “no one wants a bone” and Mo’nique even had that whole “skinny b*tches are evil” thing going on a few years back. Notice a few things though: a segment of the population attempted to find ways to validate themselves and the negative criticism they faced, but ended up criticizing another group of women in order to make themselves feel better.

So the truth of their situation was that they wanted to feel better – facing the truth that they either didn’t like where they were, or they didn’t like the negative judgement of others for where they were. Either way, their truth was dissatisfaction. If they had faced that truth then addressed the real reason for the dissatisfaction this group would probably experience the relief that they truly desire. Instead, by masking their truth, they caused conflict with another group, all while their weight problems or their self-esteem suffered from not disconnecting the negative criticism. (Also notice that Mo’nique went on a weight loss journey herself and discovered that she desires to live a healthy lifestyle; the adherents of “skinny b*tches are evil” had to find another cloak for the truth, since that one had been abruptly removed from them. After all it wasn’t their truth but one someone else gave to them).

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Are you ready to GO HARD?

May 1-7 is Go Hard Week here at Motivated Sista. I’ll be video blogging daily on staying motivated to make your goals happen and recharge your desires. You can use this week to restart older goals that have fallen by the wayside, kick start new goals that you’ve been contemplating, or find new goals to pursue. If you’re in, you and I will take 7 days to give 110% of what we have. I suggest you put all your efforts to one goal and really get on your grind, but you can handle this challenge in any way that you wish.

So who’s with me?

3 Action Steps To Take TODAY

On Your Mark, Get Set…

If you’re a recovering perfectionist like me, then you may tend to overthink starting new goals. What should you do first? Where should you start? How should you start?

The most important thing is just to START. Not when the time is right (it’ll never be right – you’ll always have something else going on and a few things to juggle at one time), not when you have more time (seriously, when will that be??). Just put one foot in front of the other and start down your new path.

This is one of those things are ARE as easy as I’m making it sound. Here are 3 things you can to, TODAY, to get you started on whatever goal you’re striving for.

Make A Plan

One of the best ways to go somewhere new is to make a plan of how you’ll get there. Also, putting your goal on paper is wonderful for banishing some of your doubts and fears about *how* it will happen. Being concrete shows you that, hey, it might not take as much effort as you have in your mind. Or if it does, once its all down, you may decide that the effort is worth it and nothing to fret over.

Now if you sit down to plan your new goal, and there are gaps in your plan, thats ok. The important thing is to develop a big picture view of your goal. You’ll get a better idea of how long it will take, the resources and effort you need to contribute, and your plan will serve you well as a tool to help you visualize your goal and stay focused on the end result.

Learn Something New

Well you probably won’t be able to learn an entire new thing in one day, but you may be able to begin learning. For example, if your goal is to lose weight, why not start by doing an activity that you’ve never done before? Like taking a different class at the gym, learn how to hike, or take a swimming lesson? There’s nothing like adding a new and fun activity to your repertoire to build confidence and interest in a new goal.

There is so much possibility in this step. Want to find a new job? There could be a great new skill you can add to your resume, if only you’ll take the time to seek it out. How about learning a 2nd language? You could research language courses in your area or online options that work for you, like French In Action or Destinos. This way, you could accomplish two goals in once – especially if you have those goals that you’ve been meaning to get to yet have put off indefinitely.

Clear Out Clutter

Clearing out old, unused items and creating new space is a wonderful way to get your new goal started on the right foot. Letting go of things that are no longer useful to you creates space in your mind for something new. Could it be that throwing away an old lover’s items will allow for that new man to come into your life? How about the plans you made for goals that you are no longer pursuing? What about throwing out all the fatty, sugary foods that you are no longer consuming as you work to improve your eating habits? Letting these things go is also a sign of acceptance and forgiveness, and a way to allow yourself to pursue them again without beating yourself up about it.

Clearing out clutter is the first step in getting organized to get more tasks done, so its almost a 2-for-1 step. Then when you’re done clearing out clutter and getting organized, you can hit the ground running with strength and focus on the end result.

Do you have a new goal that you need to start? How will these suggestions help you get closer to reaching your goal?

Invisible Growth of Your Goals

From the Motivated Sista Mail bag:

I honestly wanna keep going but it seems am not moving at all. No matter what step I take, it seems impossible. I am a single parent of one, she’s seven and we’re doing ok healthwise which is a plus. I am employed as a clerk and I earn something that keeps me moving plus some lil loans here and there. I have tried relationships and nothing is working out. I have even tried the long distance but loooo. I am pretty and have what it takes but it seems men just want me for one night stand which is a minus on my side cuz I don’t wanna practice that. I would like to go back to college and continue with my diplomas and degree but finances on my side are kaput. Honestly how can you help me out? I try looking for jobs online and but nothing comes up….kindly show me how to start…..pray for me and wish me well dear sister.

My response: first of all sista, thanks for writing in. Of course I wish the best for you, and hope you realize that well-being is always flowing to you, you just have to let it in. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me and letting me add some motivation to your mix.

Coping With Frustration

The impression that I got from your email is that you feel blocked on all sides. It seems like you’re frustrated because you aren’t getting results in the 3 areas you’re working on right now – finding a relationship, going back to school and finding a new job. When you’re working on more than one major area at a time, you can sometimes feel overwhelmed by all you have to accomplish and frustrated by what seems like non-existent progress.
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Its Never Too Late To Start

How do you plot the road map of your life? Do you assign certain goals for certain ages, for example: get married by 30, have kids by 35, etc? Do you think about what people will say at your funeral, and work your way backwards from there? Or are your plans based on the vision you’ve had for yourself since you were a kid?

Have you seriously thought about what destinations lie along life’s road for you?

However we develop our life’s plan, we all have goals and dreams that didn’t quite make it from our head to the real world. It could just be a matter of time before you begin work on those goals, or it could be that you don’t really think they’ll be a reality. Do you have certain goals that, no matter how thoughts of them make your heart race, you’ve tucked them into the corners of your mind, never to see the light of day?

A personal example of this: when I was in college, I dreamed of being an actress. This wasn’t the desire that burned brightest in my life – being a full-time novelist is. And I didn’t want to change my major from English to Theatre in order to pursue this dream. But I kept imagining myself on movie sets, practicing lines, being in front of a camera. You wanna know what happened? I can’t remember how it unfolded, but I ended up in a private acting class. I say ‘ended up’ because I didn’t consciously go looking for this class. It sorta just fell in my lap. But I never doubted my ability, never thought this was a foolish dream or that if I decided to pursue a full-time acting career that I wouldn’t make it. I never bemoaned the fact that I don’t look like Halle Berry, Gabrielle Union or Sanaa Latham. I didn’t compare myself to other, more experienced actors in the class, and I didn’t beat myself up that I hadn’t pursued acting earlier. I just focused on enjoying the class as much as I could and the fact that I was living my dream.

Perception vs. Reality
Is there a little voice in your head, telling you that you can’t succeed at your secret goals? Do you fear sharing these goals with your spouse, your family or your friends, because its not ‘realistic’, or you’re too old to pursue it now? Why is that? Who told you these things, and why are you holding on to these beliefs?

We all know at least one person who was told “you’ll never amount to anything”. And this person went on to defy the odds and make a success out of their lives, regardless of the ‘realistic’ opinion of others. Do you think they cared what others thought of them? And sometimes, people use this negative pronouncement from the naysayers to fuel their efforts. They think about all the people who look down on them, and when the going gets tough, they resolve to keep on going.

The only difference between this determined person who defied the odds and you is that you’re the only person saying that you can’t do it. Yeah, you have these other people jabbering in your ear, saying “why do you wanna do that?”, “aren’t you too old for that?”, “black people don’t do that“, “you wanna do whuh? Keep dreaming!”

Yes, keep dreaming.

I mean, what is life if not a big dream, where our pleasure comes from fulfilling those dreams? Did you dream about your children before you had them? Did you dream about your house, your car, your vacation before you had them? How are those dreams any different from the other dreams that you have, that someone has said “those aren’t practical dreams” and so discouraged you from pursuing them? What’s wrong with seeing things that you want in your mind and taking pleasure from those visions? And what in the world is wrong with you making those dreams a reality?

People doubt you because they don’t know you like you know yourself. I don’t care if that’s your mom, husband, children, teachers, friends, whoever. You are capable of anything if you decide inside yourself never to give up. You doubt yourself because you fear failing or you actually fear succeeding. But we discussed that fear is your mind’s attempt to protect you…from change. From shaking things up. From the pain of not being successful. But if we let our dreams die because of fear, what kind of life would we have? Imagine if all the successful, inspiring people that decided to pursue their dreams anyway, had held themselves back or let the negative opinions of others keep them from going forward? We wouldn’t have so many inventions, be entertained by so many talented people or be inspired by the leaders and businesspeople that we relate to.

How do you know you’re not that source of inspiration for someone else? How do you know that someone won’t look at your story and say, “if she/he can do it, I can do it too!” You’ll never know what’s possible for you unless you try.

Do You Know How Short Life Is?

You’re over there being scared, straddling the fence, not knowing if you should follow your heart or play it safe, and all the while time is ticking away. Do you know that tomorrow is not promised? Do you know that one day you’re not going to wake up?

I hate to get all morbid on you, but today I came to work and found out that a beloved coworker passed away a few days ago. He was nice, super friendly, and genuinely liked people. This was a guy who was definitely motivated to reach his dreams. He and I talked a few times about our aspirations, his family, his goals, and the end results he was working toward. He proudly showed me pictures of his infant son and his wife, and we all supported him when he lost his parents. And now he’s gone.

What happens to dreams when a person dies? Are they expelled from the body, like air from your lungs? Or do they wither and recede into the silent and still corners in your brain? You can’t leave them to someone else in your will. They’ll be buried with you. Meanwhile, all the reasons  you haven’t reached them yet – the ministries you serve on at church that take up your free time and disposable income, the hours you spend in front of the TV, your mother’s disapproval, the financial worries, the insecurities, the analysis paralysis – these will all outlive you. When you’re in your eternal resting place it will be too late to start. We only get one life yet most of us fiddle it away mindlessly. Do you want this to happen to you? When you’re lying there, taking your last few breaths, what do you want to feel about your life? That you gave it your all, everything you had, and lived to the fullest? Or that you have so many things you wish you could have done, didn’t have time to do, would have done differently… or that you worked so hard for others and didn’t get the chance to truly live… or that you constantly lived in your head, afraid to just be, that time just slipped through your fingers?

All we have is today. Right now. This moment. We can’t go back and change the past, and sitting there worrying about the future is wasting the time you have right now. How are you using your time? How will your life unfold? Only you can answer that, but you’ve got to wake up first. While you still can.

How To Reach The Stars

I got an email this morning from a Motivated Sista subscriber. This Motivated Sista wants to move abroad, but she feels that her ‘worst enemy’ is herself and her family. She asked me to write a post that would motivate her to make that move.

First of all, when I met this sista, I felt that she was one of the most fearless women I’d ever met. She has a strong and dynamic personality – she’s not afraid to say what she feels, to tell it exactly like it is and cut through the bull to the real point. I’ve also seen some of the work she’s done to promote issues that she believes in – she’s planned events, networked like crazy and traveled to DC to meet other like-minded women. So I was a bit surprised that she would be holding herself back. But, like she said, each person is their own worst enemy. We all have ways in which we hold ourselves back from reaching our full potential. And we sometimes have distorted images of ourselves, where we don’t see how great we really are and wonder how others can hold us in such high regard.

I can clearly see this sista being her bold, fearless self… in Paris. Très magnifique!

The Eiffel Tower, Paris

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You Are Not Your Circumstances

It may be hard to see the finish line from where you are. You may have a stack of bills, a low (or negative) bank balance, you may be lonely, tired, fed up or discouraged. There may be so many obstacles in your way that you can’t clearly see the path you’ve set out on. During all of the turmoil, doubt, fear and resistance, you have to keep going. It may be very difficult but you have to keep pressing on.

One way to do that is to remember that your circumstances are not who you are, but where you are. If you have bad credit, living paycheck to paycheck and don’t know how you’ll get ahead – these are circumstances that you’re in but they’re not ‘you’. If its been so long since you’ve had a date that you can’t remember the last time, that doesn’t mean you’re not a dateable person. Not having dates right now is your current circumstance. Believing that the circumstances you’re in is equivalent to who you are, is like being on a deserted island and believing that you’re on that island.

Row your own boat
So how do you get off the island of negative circumstances? First, you have to believe that you can. I know it sounds trite, I know it sounds too easy.. but honestly, when was the last time you tried it? The biggest reason for our current circumstances is that, at some point, we repeated the same thoughts over and over again until our minds put us here. What conversation is your mind having without your participation? If you keep saying to yourself, “I’m broke, I can’t see a way out” then… you’re going to be broke and you won’t see a way out. Just believing that your circumstances are temporary, and repeatedly telling yourself that until it solidifies as a belief, will do wonders for not only your circumstances but your outlook on them.

We all know that the only constant is change… but sometimes it can feel that someone has hit the pause button and you’re stuck in the exact same spot. In order to break free, try to move forward. Even if that means a very small step, just move. After one attempt, keep going. You’ll pick up momentum and can make bigger and bigger steps. Its also important to remember that all journeys are not sprints, and you won’t be less happy when you get to where you’re going, if you had taken less time to get there.

Nothing changes until you decide to change it, stop beating yourself up for where you are, and focus on moving to where you want to be.

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